9/03/10 Random photos #7

Ass Hoe?

Coffin sandwiches, so named for an obvious reason

Anyone for duck heads?

Chillin' at the 7

Neglected plush toy

Games in the park

Hater of photographers.
He yelled a lot; everyone told me to ignore him.

Non-stop whistling

Double riding and jumping the gun

Fashion over function

9/03/10 The delicate art of choosing an English name

Our last stop of the evening was “Surfer Ken’s Lounge”, an evening hangout for English expatriates.  It was there that I met Passion Fruit; Passion for short.  She told me her Chinese name is Pei Shen, so she thought that Passion Fruit (which grows in abundance in Taiwan) would be a fitting name.  Everyone, including her Canadian boyfriend called her by her full chosen name until just recently; apparently it took an inordinate amount of time for someone to suggest that the “fruit” part was a little over the top.  Luckily for her, she’s got what it takes to pull the name Passion off.

 

Choosing an English name is an exercise in freedom that can go horribly wrong, choose carefully my friends.

9/03/10 White Giants

This particular night market had a small arcade, and in it was the boxing game.  The translated description read: “The Boxing Champion contends for hegemony”.  With Space as my worthy opponent, I said let the hegemony begin.

A crowd gathered as we prepared for battle and dropped our coins in the machine.  In true Taiwanese fashion they were watching us but not watching us at the same time.  The white giants were ready to rumble.

For a smaller guy Space packed a mean punch.  My guess is that similar to stickers on cars adding extra horsepower, Space’s chest hair added about 30% more strength that a comparable guy of his size.  He punched the crap out of that speed bad and posted an impressive score of 851.  The crowd “ooohhed” and “aahhhed”…silently.  I opted to go gloveless for more efficient momentum transfer.  Unfortunately, I had trimmed my chest hair and could not break into the 800s.  A piss poor performance; I knew I could do better.

Taiwanese bewilderment... it lurks in the background.

Iris gives my scores the finger inside the glove.

We took a little break and returned for Round II.  Rocket Queen must have been playing in Space’s head because he had clearly blown his wad in Round I.  His Round II performance was decidedly lackluster and he failed to break into the 700s.  The crowd was thicker and my chest hair must have grown ever so slightly during our break; a combination that allowed me to post 3 successive scores in the 800s finishing off with an 893 taking the round and high score from my formidable adversary.

The silence from the crowd was deafening.

9/03/10 Adventures in food…making up for lost time

It had been a couple of days of conventional meals and I needed to get back on track with my food experimentation.  Sure, I had cow tongue at a restaurant the night before, but it was rolled up and thinly sliced.  It needed to look like cow tongue to be interesting and preparing it that way seemed a little North American to me, where food is anonymous, never has a face and comes wrapped in plastic.  Even more important than that is that I have cow tongue in my freezer at home.

The best for the culinary destruction that I had in mind was a night market on the outskirts of town.  Space and I met Iris at 7-Eleven; he suggested we start with a beer appropriately named “Taiwan”.  It was pure swill, but what better to get me prepared for stinky tofu than crappy beer.

The Rundown:

Stinky Tofu – As absolutely horrid as the smell is, it didn’t taste so bad.  Actually, it didn’t really taste of anything.  Which is the whole problem with tofu.  It tastes like nothing, and in this case, smells like shit.  I’m glad I was able to check Taiwan’s unofficial national dish off my list.  Space can officially fuck off. 





Quick!  Beer me!

A futile attempt to rinse the stink off the tofu

Cock’s Combs – It had been boiled first and then tossed in a spicy cilantro, lime and green onion sauce.  It wasn’t so much the taste, which was mostly saucy, but the texture that gets you.  It was rough on the outside and spongy in the middle.  I wouldn’t refuse a second try if it was offered to me, but I wouldn’t seek it out either.

Duck Intestines – Served in the same sauce as the cock’s combs, they were better texture-wise and tasted almost exactly the same.  Not much to report here.

Intestines in a bag, eaten with a stick.
There's no limit to the classiness of the night market.

Duck Feet – Like the other two described above, taste was secondary and texture was key.  Rough texture on the outside, lots of crunchy cartilage on the inside surrounded by spongy “stuff”…not much meat here.  Best used as a great shocker to food losers at parties, but really, it’s nothing.

Space says "I'm not with him."

Taiwanese Spring Roll – Ignore the name, this thing is a beef wrap in a Taiwanese style.  The peanut sauce made it for me…delicious.  I’d order it again if I could remember the name.

Chicken Assholes – Well, not actually the hole, more like the ass, but the hole is there.  Who the fuck even knew that this type of stuff was available?  They come deep fried and 5 to a stick, 3 for me and 2 for Space.  I know this sounds wrong, but they were meaty and delicious.  Which brings me to the obvious question: What are we doing with all the surplus delicious chicken asses back home?  Hopefully they aren’t going to waste.  My guess is dog food.

A new meaning for "That chick's got a great ass"

Fried whole soft shell crab – Nothing new or exotic for me here, but it looked tasty so the fat guy in me had to have a couple.  Technically it was supposed to be soft-shelled crab, but it was crunchier than any other I’ve had.  I ate the whole thing, shell and all.  I’ll have this one again, maybe with some chicken asses and duck tongue.

Upset because there will be none left.

Squid for dessert

9/03/10 Taiwanese Haircut

A quick glance in the mirror revealed that I was getting a little shaggy.  Longer hair makes they grey show though and I hate that.  Time for a trim.  Space suggested a place where I could get the full Taiwanese experience.  Shampoo and head massage followed by another head massage, then a haircut, shampoo, head massage and blow dry.  All that for about $15?  I’m in!

Tragically the Taiwanese beauty who was to provide my head massage was replaced at the last second by a guy who was almost as feminine.  Eye makeup, fake lashes and an off-the-shoulder top.  Personal preferences aside, he gave a great head massage…twice.

A haircut for me should really take no more than five minutes.  It’s a quick job when your hair is cut this short.  #2 trimmer, clean up the back and sides…done!  But my stylist was meticulous; 20 minutes later he finally finished.  Back to the chair for my final shampoo, this time from a homely girl who wouldn’t look directly at me.  Her head massage left me wanting... it was weak.  I suppose the slightest trace of masculinity left in the first guy made the difference.

The last part of the experience made me howl with laughter.  Picture the ridiculousness of a guy with a buzz cut having his hair blown dry.  Sure, it was part of the service, but also completely unnecessary.  He even tried to make it seem like he was running his fingers through imaginary hair adding imaginary body.

With a clear sadness in his eyes my original masseuse waved goodbye.

9/03/10 Accidental Music Expert

Space co-hosts a weekly English language radio program on the Hualien affiliate of Taiwan’s public radio corporation (think CBC), and each week Space and Jacob talk about a different band or musical theme.  This week’s featured band?  Guns n' Roses.  Perfect!  I had been much more than a casual fan, G n' R was the band of my youth.  From the release of Appetite for Destruction and the tail end of elementary school to Use Your Illusions during high school.  I’ll kindly dismiss The Spaghetti Incident and all the bullshit that followed.

Jacob

One thing was for certain, I wouldn’t be able to match musical wits with Space.  He has attained a level of musical nerd-dom that few people can compete with.  G n’ R is Space’s musical Achilles heel though; he’s such a huge fan with so much to say about the band and it was likely that he’d fall victim to rambling.  Like a movie fan who freezes when presented with the opportunity to speak with their favourite actor; all you have to do is play Rocket Queen for Space and he blows his wad…musically speaking…maybe.  When that song ends, he’s exhausted and needs to sleep.

“Rocket Queen is the height of G n' R; their six minutes of perfection; the best song on their best album; their could be no more perfect way to close out Appetite…blah blah blah” and on and on he goes.  No doubt, Rocket Queen is a great song, just a little overdone in my books.  It’s the sex interlude that throws it off for me.  Rumour has it that it’s an actual recording of Axl giving it to some porn star in the recording studio.  Truth or fiction, it doesn’t really matter; it’s just another example of how Axl’s ego tends to ruin a good thing.  For me, it’s Night Train over Rocket Queen.

Talk shifted to the Use Your Illusions albums which were technically a double album.  Space thinks that they were a disappointment; yet another example of Axl going too far.  I might be inclined to agree with Space if the internet hadn’t turned the industry upside down.  I argued that given the nature of music today and the focus on singles and songs purchased piecemeal, it didn’t matter anymore that Illusions I and II split many great songs between them and filled the gaps with crap.  Today, salvation for Illusions is a matter of click, click, click, create a new playlist and be done with it.

Jacob shared an interesting Asia specific take on G n' R; here, the band was popular with the young ladies not because they were into bad boys and metal, but because they thought the band’s name was romantic on account of the “Roses”.  In their Taiwanese heyday, G n' R was played at full volume in all the night markets.  Now that would have been a sight!

Next week… Faith No More.

*****

mp3 of the show to be posted as soon as the CD Space mailed me arrives